I moved to Billings after losing my brother to suicide.  I didn’t know anyone.  I didn’t have a plan.  I uprooted my husband and three children and headed west from Iowa.  I was new to suicide loss.  I hadn’t heard the tried and true advice many survivors of suicide loss receive.  “Don’t make any big decisions for at least a year.”    About ten months after I lost my brother, we were new Montanans.

          We arrived in the fall of 2019.  My electrician husband found work at the Stillwater mine.   I was a stay at home mom with a twelve year old son and three year old twins.  I was afloat without a tribe.  Grieving in a new place.   I attended the local Survivors of Suicide Loss group.  It had been run by the same woman for over ten years.   We met at the organizer’s church.  A tiny room with one little couch and a few chairs.  There were never more than seven or eight of us.  It was the only place I could tell the new people I was meeting what I was going through.  It was the only place where everyone around you would say the word.  Suicide.

           I’m sure you all remember 2020.  What a strange time for everyone- but especially for a new family in a new place.  We were just starting to gain our footing, and then the world shut down.  The loss group- dissolved.   They didn’t even attempt zoom meetings.  This was something where you needed to BE with the other survivors.   When the reactions of everyone around you already felt superficial, a computer screen with faces on it isn’t what you need.  

          I lost the one place where I could be sincere.  I lost the only place where I wasn’t pretending.  My husband lost his job.  As a family, we drifted.  We bought a travel trailer.  My children called it the ‘wheelhouse.’  We traveled the country anywhere my husband could find work.  During the pandemic.  We had all never felt so lonely.  

           Eventually, we wanted to put down roots again.  Find ‘home.’  Not to raise three children in a caravan during a time where strangers were wary of other strangers.  We had liked Billings.  We were getting familiar with Billings.  It was time to go back.  

            In March of 2021, I dug up an old email.  The woman who had run the Billings Survivors of Suicide Loss group.  She had sent out a plea to the attendants.  She had done her time.  The world was changing.  Could anyone take the mantle?  Who wanted to facilitate this group?  Crickets.  There was no response for months.  I imagined the other regulars and I were all waiting for that person.  Assuming someone would respond- “I’ll do it!”  I was desperate to have somewhere to be authentic again.  I needed to hear the stories of others who had known this pain.   I wondered if others in Montana were seeking a safe space to talk about their losses.  

            Begrudgingly, I respond to that old email.  “Theoretically, what would it take to become a facilitator of this group so it can continue?”  And that’s how it started.  I read a manual.  Watched a training dvd.  Emailed the American Foundation of Suicide Loss.  I needed a neutral and comfortable space to hold these meetings.  As an ex-mormon and a suicide loss survivor, I desperately wanted the ‘neutral’ part.  I felt that religion needn’t be intertwined with suicide grief.  

            I immediately thought of the Unitarians.  I had attended their services a few times before the pandemic.  I had researched the origins and beliefs.  It felt like what I was looking for.  Community, without church.  I feel like so many of my peers are looking for exactly that.  

             At the time, Wanda Daniel was still presiding over the local Billings congregation.  She was so friendly and helpful to my initial request.  I started facilitating the Billings Survivors of Suicide Loss group with my lovely co-facilitator Megan in May of 2021.  We have been holding our meetings the first and third Monday of the month in the building ever since.  

             Our group is different every time you attend.  We have people come and go.  We have regulars who stay for six months and then feel they can move forward without the group.  We have people who attend sporadically for years.  We often have brand new survivors who are drifting in that initial shock and don’t know where to turn.  Our meetings are difficult.  They’re emotional.  They’re unpredictable.  Sometimes, beautiful things happen in that room.  Connections are forged.   Vulnerability is celebrated. Sometimes, we even laugh. 

             I will be forever grateful for the use of this building at 2032 Central Avenue.  The Unitarians.  The Humanists.  The Quest.   No matter what it’s called, it’s a place for community.  It’s where people go who need to find like-minded souls.  It’s where people go to find themselves.  It’s where Survivors of Suicide Loss go to process their losses and feel less alone.  If you or someone you know is grieving the loss of a loved one to suicide, feel free to send them our way.  We meet at The Billings Quest at 2032 Central Avenue here in Billings.  During the winter months, we meet on the first and third Mondays of the month from 6:00-7:30pm.   From June through September, we meet only on the third Monday of the month.  You can reach out to Megan or Sharee at soslbillings@gmail.com, or you can call or text 801-440-5785.  At our meetings, you can expect discretion and empathy without judgment.